this morning i noticed
the colors were all the same
i woke up with about three dollars
and all this useless
trash that wears my name.
guess i should make myself
do this work i couldn't
bring myself to before,
so i can eat and buy
more trash that doesn't mean anything.
it's hard to find motivation
in anything when you
spend so much time thinking
about how to kill yourself,
really - what else can seem
important next to that?
but if i take this step
i want to,
can i will i make it there,
a place where the walls aren't grey?
or will i fail at even that?
are there any problems
this won't solve?
call me a coward or a sinner,
its nothing i won't agree with -
i just can't go on
wasting my potential
disappointing people
missing opportunity.
it's not that i can't find love
because i can, but
lately i'm not sure i even want it.
i could probably find the means
to make it through, but what for?
why should i care?
i want to sleep and not wake up,
not to go outside or see the weather
and the seasons, not to get a job
in this town or some other
with the same people in different houses.
i don't want to make friends or make
amends for the things i've done,
to try new foods or visit relatives,
don't want to laugh or cry.
how can i expect anyone to care
about me when even i have abandoned myself?
and when did that stop bothering me,
my loss of self-respect?
on days like these it's
hard to get out of bed.